what-is-this!?

mood: moody. nostalgic for an old love, sam. lusty for the more recent old love, ian. surprised at how unattracted to girls i am at the moment. desiring cuddling and physical touch to remind me i'm here.
today: alright. sat's this morning. not cool at all. but the band comp was fun. i liked being close to joe, i like being close in general. i liked how ian kept calling my name ("cuz you know i'd be proud...if you'd call my name out loud...") and then touching me...poking me with a drumstick, nudging me with his drum, the sort. then had a long talk with sam. and i haven't decided how that went. i miss him. a lot. like, a lot. i don't really want to. but then, i touched his palms and it took all my control in the world to not lace my fingers in his and watch my tiny hands get swallowed in him. i miss him, the safety i feel around him, the love he exudes, his smile, his self. i miss a lot about him, but i'm just getting really good at ignoring how much i miss him. but i don't want to want him because i think that makes me weak. oh, plus, he's dating katie. pardon me, kat. i guess college turns you into someone else.
i think: i am becoming way too self obsessed. i hate it. i keep talking about myself. i need to stop. so i guess that is what this is. me talking about myself. because this way, if anyone reads it, they can turn it off, yet i still keep blurting things out.
i miss: love. my france kids. how happy i was over the summer. cuddling with sarah. lauren. (i feel like i haven't REALLY talked to her in forever. and i miss her.)
oh, btw: the OTHER guy's got a girlfriend..and i don't really care. i like that. i used to be in really deep like with him. i'm not anymore. i don't even have a hint of a crush. i miss him as a friend though, and i don't know how to tell him that, because i never ever see him.
why am i a little down?: crystal kissed sam. not ok. sam has kissed more people than crystal. that's just DIRTY. i wonder..is it possible...he's kissed 'round thirty since we broke up. i've kissed 3. i kissed lauren, i kissed ian (or...he kissed me), and i kissed some french guy, yanne. i'm gonna indulge myself with a sweet fix on the idea that maybe he's being more promiscuous than i am because he's trying to get over me, or convince himself he's over me? i think i'm as over him as i'll ever get..and my dearth of love/lusts suggests my penchant for relationships, not hookups. i'm really not into hookups at all. i can't help but stare at ian in band though. he just exudes sex. i mean, something about him. something about that curve in his back, or the way when he plays quints, you can't help but notice that the drums rest on his pelvis, and in order to distribute the weight off his shoulders, he lets his pelvis take a lot of that weight. and how his wrists are so lax, and how his fingers never stop moving (nor his eyes), and how he actively touches, how he reaches out to poke me, to smack my bum, to point out he can see my underwear by touching the elastic of it...
random: my ears itch. i hate that.
sounds: the keyboard, the creak of my chair, "nightmare before christmas" rolling around in my head.
note to self: read the poemprosody 101.
now: sleep.