you hurt me.

hurt? you wanna talk about hurt?
hurt is being in love with a boy who thinks you're cheating on him. hurt is telling him that you're not, and knowing he doesn't believe you. hurt is lying in bed crying because he's going to dump you for a suspicion-and one that isn't true. hurt is having it happen twice. hurt is the phone call when he calls to tell you he kissed another girl. hurt is realizing as he kisses that girl on the cheek before taking your hand that you misunderstood. hurt is not being able to say anything about it. hurt is feeling guilty for assuming the best from him. hurt is watching HIM get hurt by her. hurt is knowing that she dropped him off at your house. hurt is that nagging sensation that he's cheating on you. hurt is trying to dismiss the idea. hurt is knowing he talks more to her on the phone than to you. hurt is when she asks him to prom. hurt is being the forgotten girlfriend. hurt is hearing him talk about going to the doctor. hurt is when the doctor's visits continue. hurt is having day-mares about him having sex with her. hurt is a fear of aids. hurt is the mental abuse to oneself as you try to "be logical." hurt is suspicion. hurt is never being able to stop. hurt is a night in january when he tells you "i had sex with her." hurt is that you knew all along. hurt is that silence. hurt is that blinding sting of tears. hurt is the knot in your stomach. hurt is the acid from the vomit. hurt is watching a dinner that you enjoyed turn sour fast, and be flushed away from you. hurt is the taste left over in your mouth. hurt is not being able to tell anyone. hurt is trying to ignore it. hurt is the cramps in your muscles from curling up so hard and crying so hard that night. hurt is the bile, physical and emotional that is forced from you in the confines of a bathroom stall. hurt is lying to everyone and coming back in the room shame faced. hurt is that hug by the lockers. hurt is wanting love. hurt is being so in love that you won't protect yourself anymore. hurt is wondering what-if. hurt is learning tht he wasn't safe about it. hurt is loving him anyway. hurt is watching him slip away from you. hurt is being there for him when he needs you. hurt is going over to his house and sitting next to him on a swing, and wanting to be touched, but not daring. hurt is being afraid. hurt is that silence when you both know what's coming. hurt is the words he said that you didn't hear. hurt is in the tissues, but there was too much hurt and not enough tissues. hurt is that dinner, where you couldn't stop crying. hurt is pretending it's ok. hurt is loving him and forgiving him, and losing him anyway. hurt is your dad carefully asking if you're ok. hurt is having to tell him. hurt is that hug. hurt is going to cry on your best friend, and knowing that you're gonna ruin her night, and instead getting a hug from her sister. (but that isn't hurt. that's love.) hurt is keeping it bottled up so he can't see. hurt is him not seeing, hurt is pretending so well. hurt is healing too quickly. hurt is his words. hurt is going to hug him, and him planting his mouth on yours. hurt is manipulation. hurt is feeling dirty. hurt is lying to yourself. hurt is going over for kisses, knowing that they mean more to you, and nothing to him. hurt is him offering love, but knowing full well it isn't love. hurt is trying to pretend it is. hurt is giving it to him. hurt is feeling used. hurt is being dirty. hurt is him being done with you. hurt is trying to pretend that's how you meant it to be. hurt is not being over him. hurt is nearly being in love again. hurt is being told "we need to be more...friends" and knowing he means exactly the opposite. hurt is being left. hurt is him thinking you love him, and him thinking he can manipulate that. hurt is you not being able to get free. hurt is him not letting you get free while he flies. hurt is being disgusted with him. hurt is being free, then having him manipulate you again to get something. hurt is that he knows he manipulated you. hurt is it all, and not being able to say any of it.

i'm done with hurt.