because

Because I was always one of those shy quiet kids who was so impressed with the older kids and how secure they were with themselves, and how confident they were in their beliefs, how brave in their ability to exist proudly. So impressed with how they could be funny, and I would linger on the fringe of their presence feeling glorious for just being there, and practically exploding from pride at being invited in and listened to. From watching how mature they were and seeing how incredibly untouchably talented they are. Because I assumed I'd never understand the things they talked about. Because how seeing them hold hands at the carnival melted my heart and represented true love to me.

Because I'm now one of those kids. Because a girl who is now one of my friends use to watch me come on the bus and she thought "Woah. She is so cool." Because people look up to me, and I don't even think I know why. Because people think I'm the greatest dancer and I think they're crazy for thinking that because I know I'm not. But because they respect me, and because I respect them. Because I know what true love is and I know what true pain is, but most importantly, love. Because I have someone to hold hands with and I know that leaving him is going to be one of the most painful things in the world which is why this very moment is the only time I have ever let myself indulge in the pain of that future. The fact that I really am in love. Because now that feeling of pride comes when someone is able to open up to me about how they used to feel about me because that can be scary. Because I have had a crowd around me as I talk about how I wish the world was, and my visions of sugar life and love made people smile and they wanted to be around me. And I truly felt cool. And not cool as in the idea of the in crowd or anything stupidly shallow like that. No, cool as in interesting, someone that people want to be around. Inside, I know I haven't changed, and I love me like I always have. But on the outside, people are treating me in ways that I never expect, and I don't know why that is.

Today it was said of me that I'm always on task and focused, and the image was painted of complete and utter chaos, while I sit focused on what I'm supposed to be. The eye of the storm in the insanity. Of someone who devoted myself to something I couldn't do. And this came as a surprise, because I didn't think anyone would notice. I know I can be quiet and I will often refrain from stupidity, but I just considered it "good rehearsal etiquette." But I never knew it was noticed, I felt myself fading back into the chair as a passive personality in the room, and yet somehow I ended up sticking out as a dominant personality, something which astounds me.

It's strange to grow up. Or maybe grow older without growing up, I'm not really sure which.