tremors

It's amazing how nothing can make you feel more sick than that silence between words, that pause as something is being thought out. And it's not a pause you can handle, you need the words and thoughts now, the pause just makes it all worse. And the silence is the loudest thing in the world. And it makes you want to die, because behind it could be so many things. And skin prickles against the tension that no one else can see and your insides are insane. And you end up rushing away to do little errands only to sprint back and see no change and you don't know what's worse, staring and waiting, or distracting yourself or hearing it. When your emotions make your body rebel. Prickles, and shaking everywhere. The tiniest strands of muscle vibrate with anxiety, your heart is caving in, you can't think straight you just want to die and you don't even know why yet. And it seems like it will go on forever. And you start to think it might. Because I think it might. Ten minutes. Ten minutes when you're counting every. single. second. It is a lifetime. It is many.

I just wish the silences were shorter, the pauses less thick.