love

"thank you for always being there for me. even when i know i don't need you, you're still there waiting for me. and i am so grateful. I've told you a thousand times but you are just...everything to me. I know I can always rely on you, until I die, and this gives me so much comfort. I love you even when your jokes are bad. Because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. With you, I AM SAFE."

everyone says baby

but i've only got one.

1) i have to pee.
2) bohemia is dead apparently (listening to rent)
3) i like boys in green shirts
4) i like how aj strokes my neck
5) i like how when i kissed him hard on the cheek he said "well THAT was a kiss!"
6) and if you give a daaaaaaaamn, take me baby, or leave me....!
7) talked to callum last night!
8) i'm so like joanne. "i make lists in my sleep baaaby, what's my sin?"
9) i'm totally gonna be late for dance. *cringe*

these days

I swear, one of these days I'm gonna get cool. But don't hold your breath, 'cuz I can't promise when.

In anycase, as one can see, I am being a capitalist today. (This is amusing because of the obvious coupled with the fact that I was out with Mom all day doing Christmas shopping. Damn I'm clever.)

And so now I suppose I'm thinking about Thanksgiving and getting to see Ashley and all that stuff. AND KATE! AND DAN DAN! Which is so super exciting I could pee. But I won't. Not here anyway. I might later, on the john. So Ashley. I'm really excited about the new sweater I'm getting for Christmas but I totally forgot about. :D YAY! It's pretty. And super cute. A little emo, a little not. I'm sorta sleepy right now, though I REALLY want to go see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Mom pointed out that it would be wise to get tickets for early tomorrow morning, as it will be Sunday, and the whole church thing and whatnot. I'm not shy about saying how excited I am to see it 'cuz Sarah's the nerd who went to Borders at midnight when the Half-Blood Prince was released. While dressed up as Hermoine. I have nothing to say to that but...yes dear.

Now I do have to pee. And I'm really sleepy; I wish I had taken a nap during the day. I know I should mention something about George Brenson and the travesty that is "Gimme the Night" but I'm a little too heartbroken on that subject.

On the bright side however, I just spent quite a long time researching Peeps. Ya know, the weird little suckers with the marshmallowyness and the crystalized colorful sugar outside. Those things. Charming indeed, but really not for eating in my opinion. They are best used for doing plays, or imitating movies, or making up stories, or just theater in general. I believe it's because they are so versitile. And yet there is no end to our fascination with seeing their loneliness, love, heartbreak, and ultimately, gruesome and yet appropriate death. (Now a word from our sponsor...the john.) And we're back. For something completely different:

I wish I was one of those people who could a) keep on one topic for more than three seconds and b) seem interesting about it. I mean, you get those people who can go on rants for hours, and it's the most fascinating thing ever because they're just so damn cool about it. One day, I aspire to be the same. In the meantime, I got my ACT scores back today, and I find it strange how one's self-esteem changes with a test that doesn't matter AT ALL. I mean, the test is foolish. For one, I don't need it for college (*knock on wood and other luck stuff*) and furthermore, WHO CARES!? It's just a test, and yet it can change my mood. I felt all good about myself because I was in the 99th percentile for social studies and sciences. Go figure. Also did really well in English. Again, go figure. 30/36. That counts for something, right? Considering average is 24, I don't think a 30 is too shabby at all. Whoo for that.

And whoo for cold pizza that has been left in the car while one was watching a play and as a result can be smacked against the dashboard and not flinch. (Not that pizza habitually flinches, but if it did, it would have.) Whoo again for showtunes! In general! For their happiness! Especially Rent and Hairspray, the two shows of the hour.

she'd be a whole lot prettier if she smiled once in a while

i am one of the people that makes her happy. me by name. i specifically try to make her happy.

if i was the most powerful person in the world i would kiss her wrists. and as my mouth traced the angry red ribbons, they would be soothed and placated. the brush of my lips would coax new skin to grow, to cover, to heal her wounds. warmth would seep into the new skin, making it fresh, able to prevent scarring. the warmth would go deep in her blood, and as blood is wont to do, it would move through her hands, back up her arms, and to her heart. with each pump, the warmth would fill her more completely, until not only her limbs have grown warm and begin to heal, but it would engulf her mind, like a hug that blocks out the world, or a kiss that drowns out words. and the cold cravasses that seem to be left untouched would be filled, and i would heal her. yesterday she lay against my stomach, and i curled around her like a mother cat protecting a kitten. we joke about being lovers, and sometimes act on it, but i am her protector. i keep her safe, i try to keep her smiling. i try to keep her loved. so she KNOWS she has someone, because she does, and this someone isn't one for drama or unexplained anger. this someone is honest and open with a heart not big enough for everyone she wants to keep safe. but she can sure as hell try.

hey. lauren. i love you. i don't tell you enough. but i do, i love you. i love you i love you i love you i love you. i love how you need me, i love how you know you can come to me, i love how we hold hands, i love how we smile quietly, i love how we smile loudly, i love how we wander around eating pizza, i love how we cuddle, i love how laughing can make you forget for a little while.

and from these days i can tell that she can't let go and she can't relax
and just before she hangs her head to cry
i sing to her a lullabye:

everything's gonna be alright
rockabye, rockabye
everything's gonna be alright
rockabye, rockabye, rockabye

my paper heart will bleed

so parts of yesterday were good, parts were not so good. (we had our typical band drama beginning...go figure, at the end of the season, drama begins.)
good:
cuddling with aj, having him sorta show me off to his danbury friends (i hope i made a good impression...zzzz..), cuddling with lauren, when we were walking around her parents gave us pizza and we held hands and ended up laughing really really hard, which was perfect, and i finished my modern solo aaaaaand yeah.
bad:
lauren's having friend problems, kristyn is all harumphy at lany 'cuz she and kevin j. like each other (to be honest, i have no idea why anyone would like lany. i have no patience for her. she screams, she's not particularly intelligent, she always seeks attention, etc.) aj got all moody for a while and i had a mini internal freak out, but he said he just wasn't feeling well, and on the bus he normaled up, which was a relief. ('course, now i'm feeling sorta sick....runny nose like woah and disagreeable tummy, though i also just got my period, so that could be why.) ended up just walking into my house and crashing asleep in my bed only pausing to remove shoes. woke up quarter to 8 to take care of my nose and remove some excess clothing.
------------------------------------------------------
i like:
being kissed on my
cheek
forehead
neck
palm
shoulder
hair
eyes
having someone absent-mindedly "doodle" on me
the way aj rubs my neck
cuddling
people who are nice and happy
being warm
hot hands
smiling
speaking in french with sarah
showers
chill music
hampshire college
peanut butter and apples
people with REALLY cool last names, like funk
movies
soft hair
dryers
clothes that smell like clean laundry
the smell of boy
film
the music from doug and rent
laughing
being in bed
posters
summer
being home alone
the smell of coffee

i dislike:
drama of any sort
headaches
slow computers
girls who scream at the top of their lungs when they are tickled
madonna's song "music"
non-affectionate people
people who always try to draw attention to themselves
bad dreams
hot drinks in the morning
the fact that lindsey lohan has gone anorexic
menstrating
feeling ill
math, in general
bruises that are only felt, not seen
being sore
emotionally emo boys. i like the look, but i want my boys to have at least some balls
my nose...its actions, not appearance
that vs. which
that whole situation last night with "love is a really strong word. don't tell her you love her. you
really really like her." while of course, i'm sitting right there. smooth move, girls.
homework
how i crave attention a lot
black eyed peas
post nasal drip
ads in newsweek

inspirational idea for photo

alright, so get my dance friends together (elissa, anna, nadine, lauren) and go to the cleaner place in danbury to take portraits. get one of us (of course would need to borrow dad's tripod) looking over the parking garage ledge (in the sorta cd cover sorta way..) of them on the cement blocks, playing in the parking lot, etc. get a bunch of group photos as well as portraits. be reaaally cool. hopefully sunday? maybe friday? *crosses fingers* i hope!

come waste your time with me

my boy is a remarkably fast learner. last friday was what i guess is our first date. (november 4th). and it was so much fun. we "got lost" which was silly, and bought silly string. he kept hugging me while i was driving which was soooo cute. and kissin gmy cheek, and trying to kiss me on the mouth while driving but i had to watch the road so that didn't work out so well. and he sprayed me w/silly string while we were pulling into blockbuster. (the silly goose!) and then we went to the school to park the car so we could play in the field. we frolicked and did handstands and cartwheels and then he tackled me down and we lay in the grass cuddling. and we looked at the stars which were so lovely. and we wrestled some and kissed some. (he was all hesitant but caught on soooo quickly. ) and he's just...quite the kisser. i bet he'd be a good dancer too after a few minutes of getting used to it. if he's not already.

i reaaaaaaaaally like him. a lot. he makes me smile so much. i enjoy just being around him.

oh! and sarah showed me the pictures from yale with baird. they're sooo incredibly lovely. there's a super cute one with sarah and i cuddling and grinning at the camera and the silly one when i made a dumb face at the camera. baird says he tries to be like that everyday. hehhehehe. and there's a really sweet one of them kissing and since i was at an angle below them, it's them and the sky behind them. it's truly lovely. which makes sarah's being with kelyn harder, but so it goes. i've got MY boyfriend. :D yay.

hey there girlfriend

girlfriend. me. a girlfriend. aj's girlfriend. as of 12.05 this afternoon. november 2, 2005. :D yay.

here's some background as to how this all happened. this is from friday, an email to sarah.

"so i told matt i'd drive him home and lauren and aj and i were gonna go to friendly's. as we're driving to matt's he decides he wants to come too...so he asks permission, yes, excellent. so we get there, order ice cream sundaes. (becasue i'ts not cold enough.) so aj and i color on each other's faces with crayon. when we get our sundaes, we don't get spoons. so i started licking up my whipped cream with my tongue. (much to the delight of matt, joe, aj, and adam). seductively cleaned off the cherry...cuz yeah. ;D so we get the spoons, and i'm eating and joe and matt and aj keep staring because apparently i eat ice cream in a sexy manner. so then i'm like, well i cna be seductive anytime. so i start like, nuzzling the spoon while being seductive, so it was a totally ridiculous thing seductified. and everyone buckled over laughing, which was fun. and then trying to balance the spoon on my nose while looking seductive. all in all quite silly. so i offer a ride to joe, and i'm still taking home lauren and aj and matt.but no one wants to go home. so we drive around (actually driving joe home) and someone mentioned like, behaving, and i was like, i'll show you behave..and i pulled over the car, parked it, lept in the back seat and sprawled across laps. somehow the shirt got pulled up (i think that was joe) i think lauren copped a feel, and aj got his hands partway in my pants. (hipbone) which was all funny and unexpected, and joe kissed my cheek (whiiiiiich is awkward.) so i jumped back in teh front,kept driving. matt and i had a strip contest. he took off an upper clothign item, i did too. (i was weaering a sweatshirt, tee shirt, long sleeve shirt, tank top, and two bras. i won. he didn't have a prayer.) so we drove joe home. then we just drove around, endedup at some dead end, and we cuddle puddled. (aj, lauren, matt, me). taught lauren the nervous game...(she didn't get nervous with me, but she did with matt) and played with aj (invovled removing his pants...) and aj and i gave each other lap dances (appaerntly i gave a good one..) and we tickled lauren to death and (oh, background, in the bandroom after school we watched smallville and i licked aj's finger only to find out it tasted irresistably sweet. so i started suckingon his finger, which was apparently pleasurable. in a semi-head way.) so aj mentioned this in the car, so i had to show everyone (matt, joe, lauren, aj) WHILE driving. a skill that is NOT EASY. so all this random stripping, touching, feeling...all very erotic...

OHHHHHHHHHHH. and to top it off! callum's talking to me again! (his computer broke and kelly dumped him.) so callum mentioned how kelly's never had an orgasm and he was sorta hoping her first would be with his tongue between her legs (in his words). so then i had to tell him the whole day, and he's like, "i really need to get you in the sack." and then i get this email from him "seriously, i really need to fuck you. if you can have an orgy with your band then i deserve one too. except just me. and you didnt even come! seriously now!

COME AND SEE ME DAMNIT!"

which is charming after a month of no speak. but he's forgiven. he's been nursing a broken heart. (she dumped him cuz she liked him too much. it freaked her out.) hahaha so i'm like...pheromones galore today or somethign! OH! and at the football game, pete "raped" me. a humping hug kinda thing. muahahha. and tomorrow's a band competition. ;)

oh my god, can i justtell you how close i was to kissing aj? (as you can see, i have NO problem hearing your rampage...mine was just as good. ;)) like, half an inch between us, both sticking out tongues, licking cheek, nose, chin...beign silly yet so...clsoe. it was fun! i love being flirty!

are you kidding? god, i don't know HOW people don't kiss and tell. everyone kissed me on the cheek before they got out of the car. gotta admit, although i never ever ever ever am gonna be involved with matt, he kisses well. a close kiss. such a good day. :D

i love you! and aj nuzzled my neck..i almost came right then. not good. ahhaha. "

and so today! cuddlingon the couch of course, and i had to go to class and he didn't want to but he walked me up to bio anyway. when we got to the top of the stairs he started pulling me back toward the opposite way i needed to go, so i pulled back and we were laughing and pulling and i pulled him in for a hug and when i pulled away our faces were still really close (apparently he's just a smidge taller than me) and i looked at his mouth and was thinking, "he's gonna kiss me now!?" and he interrupts my thought with "will you go out with me?" and it just popped out without even thinking "yes". a yes like, "well DUH. of course, you fool." and we both grinned and he gave me a quick peck on the mouth and i was left to stumble into class with sparkling eyes and a pasted on smile that ended up killing my cheeks after the first two hours.

after school i found him in the band room (my boyfriend!) and we were just grinning at each other like we had a secret and laughing. and mom pickedme up so aj's like, "hmm..i should figure out somethign to do." and i'm like, "well, you're walking me outside until my mom comes." so he did. and we held hands and laughed and hugged and i got two more quick kisses. :) it's strange to have a boyfriend, but i'm reallly happy about it. i keep reliving the ask out process. he was all serious and just..quite cute.

it's so silly! and i think i'm gonna go to bed now! early to bed TWICE! maybe another fantastic day is on the way! who knows?

band-and why i love it.

the band room
-a haven for skipping classes
-napping hideaway
-serves as a gigantic locker
-usually has music playing
-has its own unmonitered tv
-two couches
-a place to eat lunch
your own personal dating service
infested with people with dirty minds
cuddling
band competitions
-and meeting people
the open-ness
some cool music
it's like a club!
band camp