clouds bring the f-stop blues

So, it is possible to have fun at Hampshire Halloween if you're sub-free! Circus was amazing (will hopefully have a video of it soon) and I danced until forever and then enjoyed company, and went to a freak show, and had my palm (sort of) read (where I was told that I have a soul mate, and I must find him...), laughing for literally half an hour straight and not being able to breathe or stop crying, or finish drinking the water that threatened to explode out my nose, listening to a lot of music that was loud, good, bad, disco, hip hop, and intergalactic funk (including a punk version of The Time Warp), reading The Omen, laughing more, trying to stay warm, giggling like schoolgirls, and just generally enjoying myself. It was wonderful. Well no. Dancing in the disco tent was a little scary, but we escaped, and it got more fun. And now I think I'm going to try to sleep because waking up at 8 after going to bed around 3:30 is stupid, but so it goes.

i get a little silly

The following is a real conversation I had with my friend Enrique last night when I was a little overtired.

Me: i'm not real.

Me: i'm your imaginary friend

Him: oh.

Him: no wonder people give me strange looks.

Me: :)

Me: youaint'gotnoclassnostylenosocialskillsnocomprehension

Him: i...

Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII CAN"TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

Him: i'm sorry.

Me: withthtisidiot

Me: yeah i must admitthat he's a punkass bitch!

Him: what did you take.

Me: DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAALwiththisidiot

Me: yeahi must admitthathe's a punkas bitch

Me: *falls apart giggling*

Him: WHAT THE FUCK CHILD

Him: do ineed to come over there and smack you?

Me: KISSES!

Him: hahahaha

Him: i'm scared.

Me: *laughs*mothermarycomes tome! speaking words of wisome

Me: andthat's funny cuz "wisome"isn't wisdom, which is what i meant.

Him: should i just let you go? and you can have this conversation for the both of us?

Me: NOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

i sang that to the tune of my song

Him: hahahaha

Him: psycho

Me: BUBBLES

Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

withthisidiot

Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU IWTH THIS IDIOT

Me: YEAH I MUST ADMIT THAT HE'S A PUNKASSBITCH

Me: OOOOOOOHWAHHOH!

Him: oh.my.god.

Him: this is hilarious

Him: but scary

Me: ohmygodi'ts just like calvin and hobbes!

Me: EXCEPT THAT I'M REAL!

Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Him: okay

Him: well

Him: i'm gonna go cry

Me: but i luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuf you

Me: MEOOOOOOOOOOOW

Him: cause my sub free friend is on crack

Me: you can sleep on the floor

Me: anDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Me: it sounds like someone grabs his balls righ tthen

Me: and i giggle because it has nothing to do with being able to fly in hammocks

Me: which render me lostlike a river in fantasy woods

Me: :)

Me: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Me: LALLALA

Me: MYCHESHIRECATDOORSTOPLOVESYOU

Me: ohmygod i had a thought and then julia came home an di forgot

Him: V...

Me: because i started laughing because the door opened

Him: do you need a hug

Me: juliesigameone

Me: and it's liek peanutbutter but minus the peanuts and butter

Me: and otherstuff.

Me: hahaha he's beautiful and smells like old sleeping bags in the winter

Me: when i can't breathebecause i'm laughing watera nd lifeoutmynose

Me: HAHAHHAH life is laughign out my nose!

Me: i'm a poet, you kjnow!

Me: i write POETRY

Me: that's why i'm a poet.

Me: beause if i wasn't a poety i wouldn't write poetry but i do.

Me: so i am.

Me: beacuse you can't be a poet if you don't write poetry

Me: ormaybeyoucanidon'tknowwhatkindofpoetryarewetalkingabout?

Me: we were talking about poetry, right?

Me: i started bopping and i neeeded music so i searched until i found music that was bopping as fast as me and now i have a friend. :)

Me: wanna say hi?

Me: dude, theres people makingn out on the ceiling

Me: imean wall

Me: not wal-mart.

Me: but the wall

Me: the one next to me.

Me: it goes upwards.

Me: and downwards.and sidewards.

Me: but not insidemy walls.

Me: i mean inside my me.

Me: i tan-wait are you there?

Me: ohmygdoikilledyoudin'ti?

Me: how do i call pubsafety they'll escort you home and you'llhehehehehheehehhehehee

Me: beok

Him: oh

Him: my

Him: lord

Him: child

Him: seriously

Him: i think you're on drugs.

Me: OKAYso juliasaid people were writing on her wall so i asked her if she could get me a little wall for my birthday

Me: and then i started nibbling on my wall a littlebit

Me: and i asked her if she wanted some

Me: so she took a nibble

Me: but she took a big bite

Me: and she had to give it back

Me: because i miss m my wall

Me: :)

Me: it's a happy wall.

Me: you wanna be it's uncle?

Him: Yes.

Him: I want to be your happy wall's uncle.

Me: :)

Him: I've said very few more outrageous things in my lifetime.

Me: :)O

Me: it's a smiley eating a halo

Me: :)0:O

Me: a smiley eating an angel.

Me: :)

Him: if i were a lesser man...

Me: my mouth fell out a little

Me: but it's ok i caught it and put it back.

Him: thank god.

Me: HAHAH AOHMYGOD THEDOORMIGHTOPENAGIAN

Him: Dear. Go read.

Him: Or something

Him: to calm your system

Me: i tried to drinkwithmyenck

Me: andit's SOhard.

Him: i can't help you with that.

Me: DUDETHERE"SLIKETWOThiNGINSINTO

Me: LIKETWOTHINGSINMYCUP

Me: TWO

Him: is one of them air.

Me: guys i borkeit

Me: i broke it

Me: ubtnotbrock

Him: what'd you break dear

Me: i forget.

Me: oHTHECUP

Me: notnothe

Him: oh...

Him: what

Me: i'm gonna go sleep with my cupbecauseit feelsfeelsgodo

Him: okay... you do that dear... goodnight

Me: enrique, i have a problem.

Me: because i really really love my life cereal

Me: but it's in my cup

Me: and i want to eati t

Me: but i love ot

Me: it

Me: so i can't

Me: but ir eally want to

Me: becuase i oveit

Me: and it lovesme

Me: and is ang to it and we made sweet love.

Me: but now i want to eat it

Him: the cereal would want you to eat

Me: WHATDO TIDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Me: it's so heartbreakgin!

Him: its like a preying mantus

Me: love URTS

Him: after they mate

Me: HURTS

Him: they eat eachother

Me: god...it does hurt, i'm sorry lvoe.

Me: i'll never hurt you unless i accidently punch you in the face.

Him: thanks

And then I fell asleep in the middle of our conversation.

update

I finally got that burrito I wanted. I'm now extremely hungry but the dining commons don't open for another 45 minutes. So I'll have a Nutri-Grain bar. Good solution, Victoria.

thought patterns

I don't want to force you,

...so tell me when to stop
...but I will
...I just want you to agree
...because I see you're scared
...so I don't know what to do
...and that's what makes it difficult
...to do this


so many possible extrapolations and they make such a difference to a person and about a person.

pope benedict xvi

I'm writing an article (a series, I suppose) for The Omen, which is my college's uncensored magazine, and of course I'm making fun of the pope. (It's been encouraged to test the bounds of "uncensored". So far, so good.) Anyway, so I decided to do a bit of reading on ol' popey so that I can adequately satirize him, and I realize after a while, "wow. He really was meant to be religious." I mean, I feel that it is something that he actually does need, and it's certainly helped him throughout life, and I respect that, in the same sense that I respect religion for helping give grieving loved ones the strength and faith to cope with the loss of a relative/friend/spouse.
So Benny actually had a lot going on in WWII. He was forced to help the Nazi regime as he was drafted, but he refused to attend meetings. He never supported them, but was forced to, to some degree. He was even held POW for a few months. All this kinda makes me think "Oh hey, I think that was a good idea for him." Religion was probably the one thing that kept him going through all that. Plus, I respect that his father was vehemently against the Nazi regime because it went against Catholic morals. Good job, Catholics. He's a tough hardy guy. Not that I agree with any of his politics (I stand by that whole love all theory), but we're allowed to have our differences.

i'm not buddhist because i love my hair

My family was talking about Buddhism (my dad has this...whatever, nevermind we won't get into that.) Anyway so we were talking about Buddhism and in light of my not happiness I was thinking in particular about the Buddhist views on relationships. That by being within yourself enough, if you're in a relationship and something goes wrong and they leave you, then you won't feel pain because you won't identify yourself as part of them, and there's no possessive. And I thought about that, and thought "yeah. Yeah that would be nice." And then realized that good relationships involve offering yourself to the other person, which goes totally against it so nevermind. But I got to be with my friends today and it was wonderful and so at the moment I'm living in the present, which is with my beautiful, loving, amazing friends, who I love and who love me completely. I'm living in the here and now! I'm here in my seat right now.


Maybe that's not what they're talking about.

Whatever, I'll take what I can manage.

And I have a very hardcore hankering for popcorn. Like really. Sometimes I think I'm pregnant because I get such intense cravings, and then I remember "OH YEAH! I haven't had sex." And then I stop worrying about it. Not that I was worrying about it, just that I was wondering about why I crave things. Oh. And moose tracks ice cream. But I'm gonna have a girl's night tomorrow so BRING IT ON.

And I have decided not to cut my hair for the rest of the time I'm at college. Trims can happen. But I want my hair long again. I miiiiiisss it.

Dear Hunger,
Let's talk about it.
Love,
Victoria

OH! And furthermore, I've decided I have an intense desire to collage my room, and I think that will be next weekend's project. I'm going to gather up all the magazines I can to do it with. And I have to print out pictures. I'll do that too. And at the very top I'm going to cut out the lyrics to that song "Sun and Moon" by Mae. And the pictures you took that covered your room and it was just like the sun, but more like the moon...


Another list, this time of things I think are weird or that I don't understand:

• putting ketchup anywhere near eggs
• alcoholic beverages and people who like to drink them in excess
• smoking
• humans bunny hopping. (Jumping with both feet, but as a means of traveling.)
• why we have no whipped cream in my house. I've got cocoa and rainbow sprinkles, but no whipped cream to seperate them. Having them together without the barrier would be weird.
• soy milk
• tighty whities
• the fact that Enrique thinks it's weird that I like to eat hot cocoa mix
• how I really suck at playing Spider Solitaire with two suits
• how two people who love each other can't be together
• why I have yet to master drinking out of Nalgene bottles
• that Adam Pascal was in Rent. I saw him in Aida first, so making that transition from Egyptian prince/future pharoah to HIV+ rockstar never really worked well.
• why my computer speakers are so genuinely awful
• packing for home

so let's talk about scary

This week's just one of those weeks, I suppose. Welcome to the real world.
Started with HIV, and I don't really want to get into the details of it, I don't think I'm ready. (No, it's not me, I'm fine.)
And then this morning I go online and one of my friends is a wreck because one of his friends is threatening suicide. And not only can I not do anything about it (not knowing the friend), but I can't be there for him either, and I think that's what hurts worst. I asked him if I could do anything for him and he asked me to come over so he could have my shoulder, and when I explained (as he knew) that I couldn't, he started to cry. So here I am. Helpless, hearing someone I love cry because he's feeling helpless.
This just seems to be a reality week, and I can't do anything about it. I feel like a little kid who's standing outside looking up at the sky, hoping to catch a glimpse of a superhero in a cape, with a big smile. He'll fly down to stand beside me, put his hand on my head and tell me something of incredible importance, such as "If you suspect that there's a fire on the other side of the door, touch it with the back of your hand. If it's hot or even warm there, you know that it's going to be VERY hot on the other side, so don't open the door." And then we'd grin at each other and he'd fly off and save the world, all before dinner.

The world needs a lot of saving, I realize.


On the bright side, here's a list of things in my wallet.

• driver's license
• debit card
• Barnes and Noble gift certificate (some used)
  
• American Eagle gift certificate (some used)
• Victoria's Secret gift certificate (not used, but it has a pretty rhinestone on it)
• a discount card
• Molten Java coffee club card
• Chelce Hessler's business card
• insurance card
• $40.76
  
• my cousin and my best friend's senior portraits
• a traveler's check
• A sticker from the Whitney Museum
  

burritos

Okay. So here's the situation.

Cute college girl sits at computer, hair in a ponytail, but wisps are falling everywhere. She's wearing sweatpants that have the name of the college embroidered on the hip, and she's wearing a college hoodie with the sleeves pushed up. She's trying really hard not to get sick, so she's got a water bottle sitting next to her that she frequently drinks from. This college girl is hungry. Really hungry. She assumed it was just a vague hunger, afterall, she only had one meal today. (Cereal for lunch.) However, the more she sat there the more her hunger sharpened with a definitive focus. She wants a burrito. And she wants one now. She's talking to her roommate about burritos and how, sure, maybe they're a phallic symbol, but they're so damn tasty, who cares? She wants one with rice and beans and beef and cheese and lettuce. A big one. That almost explodes when it gets bitten into. Her roommate's really sweet, and gave her a "cheese burrito" which is a lot of swiss cheese. It's almost burritoy. Almost. It lacks tortilla, lettuce, beef, rice, and other goodness.
DAMN YOU WORLD AND YOUR LACK OF BURRITOS.

I'm holding it against you.









Forever.