jooooooooy to the world, all the boys and girls

joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea and joy to my college application which was sent in about four minutes agooooooooo!

YAAAAAAY! DONE!
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today was class color day. jason premo saw me, did a body scan and then a look of defeat and said, "woah." ian kept staring at me. (and my bum. heh..) kelyn said i was hot. sam said i looked fantastic. adam said i was gorgeous. brendan said, "i love that dress." adam also asked to be tagged. (kissed.) kristyn said i rocked her world. :D yay. i was beautiful. that's nice to know.

any look at all, well it's better than nothing

....and that's what makes you feel damn worthless.

i love that feeling like you're being rejected by your friends. and you don't know if you should bother trying to talk to them, or if that'll just be pestering. i can understand being busy, i know how it is. i just don't know how much of it is being busy and how much of it is being forgotten. i don't suffer for being forgotten. tough love? but i don't want to. effin.
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saw lords of dogtown yesterday. kristyn hated it, but i actually liked it. sorta my fantasy. many skater boys in various forms of shirtlessness being rough. it's strangely sexy. aaaaaand i keep thinking about how cool it would be to go up to nh...muahaha. i need to shut up.
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alright, sent cal an email. i'm a softie. oh well. but i have such a problem with just LETTING GO of friends. like, now it sucks, 'cuz we need to sorta start over. we did what erin and i did. just sorta stopped talking. i HATE that. whore.
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my wings suck. i do not have the patience for them at all. it's unfortunate. excited for class color day. need to do hw. leaving soon. maybe a shower, or porn will sweeten my temperment. maybe not.

i'll keep YOU my dirty little secret.

mood: salacious. like woah. fantastizing waaay too much about zack. remembering how well my bum curved against his pelvis, the feeling of his arms around my waist and his hands absent-mindedly fiddling with my pants button...running his finger along the elastic of my underwear which showed because my pants gapped open...how his cheek rested against mine and how his lips breathed goosebumps against the curve of my neck and sent tingles of hot air up from the base of my earlobes...how the hot breath he cooed and blew into my ear turned my mind to mush and rendered me useless against him.

GOD. i was a fool to think that i should stop you from undressing.

(even though it never came to that. but i was a fool for not kissing him when i had the chance. daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammit.)

ooh tout le monde, tout le monde

comme tu danses avec les fous...
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so i just got my first phone call in FOREVER. and let me tell you. ok, so the phone rings, i get up to get it and knock the phone over into the trash, so my "hello" is more of an "oh whoops..." and this lovely deep soothing male voice says, "hi, may i please speak with victoria?" and i'm all excited because who is THIS lovely being??! i enjoy rich toned male voices asking for me. "hi, i'm (whoever) from the university of anchorage..." "oh, hi, how're you?" "i'm doing pretty well thanks, you?" "good." "nice. we sent you a package recently because you requested information from us, and i was wondering if you received it?" "*while fixing phone* umm..yeah, i think so.." "oh good. are you still interested in anchorage?" "*trying to be nice* well, not really anymore, i was sorta looking for somewhere a little closer to home." "ah, right on. alright, well, i'll take you off our list then. have a nice evening." "you too."

but seriously, he had a truly lovely voice. kinda wish i WAS interested in it. just to hear him talk more. oh well. hw, then college apps. gogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogogo!

restless and useless against them

hahaha, definitely just realized he doesn't know my name.
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i hate lauren. which is a complete lie. i love her so much it hurts, and i hate that it hurts. i hate that she hurts. i hate that she hurts herself. i hate that my love can't make her skin steel, i hate that my love can't keep her strong. i hate that i'm here and i can't keep her happy, and there's no way when i'm gone i'll be able to do the same.

god, this is such a relief to be able to write. it's nice to get one's thoughts out of their head, and put them somewhere where they won't be lost in the great abyss.
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it's weird to see ian with someone else. i mean, i guess i KNEW he was with someone else, but it's weird to see it, ya know? like, he actively sought her out, that kind of thing. and it's funny how awkward he is. he's super cute, and was walking with his hand on her lower back, but it still seemed awkward, like they hadn't quite jelled into an entity, they were still quite obviously two different, independent people. she didn't seem that into him...i mean, she didn't lean to him or anything. she was walking straight, and he was touching her. and yet he obviously isn't into parting pda. no hugs, just an "i'll catch you outside" kinda thing. it was fun to be that attention for however long it lasted.
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shy girl next door with an outgoing streak seeking guitar playing tall brunnette who is affectionate, loyal, honest, passionate, and loves life through a view finder. song writer is a plus, as is a car. shaggy hair preferred, love and cuddling a must. must be sensitive to the fact that when i fall, i fall hard, and will not exploit this. physical and mental respect a must, a little shyness is fine, but must be open about if he likes me. spelling and grammar a plus, especially if accompanied by a strong bone structure and big hands. must be prepared for the fact that i do not wish to have sex until i am much older, and i will not be pressured into it. dancing and inde movies a huge plus. sense of humor and security and independence important. must be romantic, and enjoy the presence of my friends. good kisser not necessary, (would be nice!) but willingness to improve a definite. addicted to myspace: NO.
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oooooooooooh damn zack's hot. likkke woah. damn.
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feeling uber playful...it's what i get for wearing a cut off flash-dance-style tee shirt. hehe. i like it.

a loaded god complex cock it and pull it

listening: sugar we're going down
(we're going down down to an earlier round, and sugar we're going down swingin'
i'll be your number one with a bullet, a loaded god complex cock it and pull it..)
mood: reaaaaaaally full, in the mood to rip out my ovaries. right eye itches.
i'm pleased though. there's nothing like getting over an addiction to make you feel good about yourself. (i suggest you try it sometime.) that whole effin' myspace crap. i hate it. i would delete mine if it weren't for my gw kids. (oh em gee i heart 'em.) and btdubs, crush007.com is just dumb.
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i totally effin' hate trig. two questions left though. finish then write more.
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and so i wrote it, and so it is. however, that whole college essay and english homework and animal behavior homework needs to happen too. mother. (doin' bye bye birdie for the musical! could be good!...could also bite like a two year old, but we'll see.) bisous.

it's cruel, cruel, cruel insomnia

i cannot sleep for my life. (yes, i know, it's cruel SUMMER. work with me.) slept all day trying to recouperate after that effin' ballet class. and failing miserably at trying to continue said sleep. thought about everything in the world, just CANNOT SLEEP. grrrrrrrrr. zack's super hot. yumyum. hoping a tree will blow over in the incessant wind and land conveniently on a wire that provides power to the school, leaving us with our first e.d. as a result of no power in two years. (we had THREE sophomore year. NONE last year. BITE ME.) *sigh* gonna go try to sleep...again.
wish me luck.

isn't that cute/another sqt

well isn't that cute. he doesn't email me for...two weeks. and then sends me an email. that's a lame little sqt. i love to know he cares. so charming. fucker. well, i've got a couple hours to kill before dance, might as well fill it out. sure as hell not sending it back to him though. fuck that.

1. What is your occupation? el studento
2. What color is your underwear right now? blue with purple flowers
3. What are you listening to right now? me and dad typing. silence is golden.
4 What was the last thing you ate? yogurt cheerios. a super yummy breakfast with whole grains.
5. Do you wish on stars? everyday
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? green
7. How is the weather right now? rainy. AGAIN. it's been rainging for now NINE days straight. fuck that.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? sarah, while she was babysitting
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yes. but if i'm gonna be honest i'm a little PISSED OFF at him. but whatever. he's got a girlfriend. no time for friends, that's cool. *shoots self*
10. How old are you today? 17 years six months and seven days
11. Favorite drink? cranberry juice or chocolate milk. or diet peach "joe's" iced tea. or arizona iced tea.
12. Favorite sport to watch on tv? olympics, still. (this repeats a lot of the previous sqt.)
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? not me. ashley dyed it. a dark brown with a hint of auburnness.come may, it will be darker brown with blonde and red streaks
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? 'sposed to wear glasses. but i don't.
15. Pets? alex
16. Favorite month? i really like april and may.
17. Favorite food? peanut butter and feta cheese
18. What was the last movie you watched? bye bye birdie last night
19. Favorite day of the year? i like holidays, and days when i get to see people i love!
20. What do you do to vent anger? cry, dance, listen to music, tell mom.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? big fan of stuffed animals. polly pocket.
22.Fall or Spring? both
23. Hugs or kisses? right now, hugs
24. Cherry or Blueberry? baird bream is like eating a blueberry muffin and finding a chocolate chip.
25. Do you want your friends to email you back? well, that's n/a here. i mean..if my friend emailed me back from this, that'd be weird, because i'm not sending it to anyone. however, i would like certain friends to email me back. but, hey, i know how life goes, and i should be writing my college essay now. i'll do that next.
26. Who is most likely to respond? again, n/a
27. Who is least likely to respond? n/a
28. Living arrangements? in a bed room, in a house with my mother and father, and alex when he comes home.
29. When was the last time you cried? yesterday. fucking boys.
30. What is on the floor of your closet? clothes mostly. bags and shoes and stuffed animals.
31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? ashley
32. What did you do last night? was treated incredibly well by mom, ate pizza, watched bye bye birdie, went to bed REALLy early.
33. Favorite smell? my bed. boys. kenny's chest.
34. What inspires you? movies, music, a lot of not doing anything.
35. What are you afraid of? spiders.
36. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? quebec spice with bleu cheese.
37. Favorite car? yellow jeep wrangler sport 4x4 with a black rag top.
38. Favorite dog breed? black labs.
39. Number of keys on your key ring? none
40. How many years at your current job? er..well, i guess like..4? i dunno.
41. Favorite day of the week? saturday
42. How many states have you lived in? five
43. How many cities have you lived in ? five

sqt's

last car ride: home from school on tuesday
last kiss: lauren, at a band competition
last good cry: today, right after school, as i collapsed into a heap on my chair.
last library book checked out: i don't even know.
last movie seen: bye bye birdie about two minutes ago
last book read: pigs in heaven
last cuss word uttered: damn
last beverage drank: cranberry juice
last food consumed: a york peppermint patty klondike bar
last crush: ian
last tv show watched: the history channel
last time showered: last night
last shoes worn: sneaks
last CD played: the vanilla curve "create"
last item bought: food
last downloaded: something by fall out boy
last annoyance: boys
last dissapointment: boys
last soda drink: .........uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
last thing written: CD'S (a reminder)
last key used: car
last word spoken: "that is REALLY weird."
last im: tony
last weird encounter: can't think of one...my mom had one with my old gym teacher
last ice cream eaten: klondike bar
Last time amused: uhhhh, oh! friends.
last time wanting to die: not really.
last time in love: sam. and half of ian.
last time hugged: english
last time scolded: .....yesterday? maybe? ish?
last time resentful: today, bio
last chair sat in: this one, and the couch
last shirt worn: this one. pj tank top
last time dancing: couple hours ago
last poster looked at: the beetle bug over my stereo
last webpage visited: this one
1 minute ago: talking with crystal
1 hour ago: talking with sarah/watching movie
1 day ago: working on my lab that i forgot..*cringe*
1 week ago: at molten java
1 year ago: in switzerland
I hurt: the inside of my forearm/wrist. compliments of a collision with my favorite love, anna. oy vey. not so good. i think she sprained her finger in that collision.
I love: my friends
I hate: manipulation
I fear: spiders and those i love dying
I hope: i can remember my modern solo.
I feel: my right foot's asleep
I hide: what i think might hurt someone else
I drive: honda civic hybrid. green is good!
I miss: france, my dears. being in love. SUNSHINE. FUCKING SUNSHINE.
I learned: bye bye birdie is a totally ridiculous show.
I need: everything in the world

...and furthermore

i have never been without romantic feeling before. i am no longer in love with sam, sam is with katie. i was never in love with ian, but am over my crush. he is now with that blonde girl. sarah has kelyn and baird. crystal has zac (although he doesn't yet know it.) kristyn still has a crush on kelyn. callum is dating kelly. jordan is dating shanelle. lauren is dating kelvin, anna has a crush on whatsisname, and will likely soon be dating him, likewise for nadine and dan. chris has a monster crush on elissa.


and then there's me. whose heart sits cross-legged, fists tucked under its jaw, elbows rooted into the knees, waiting for something. the tumbling butterflies of a crush. the persistant cascading rivers of love. the stabbing pain of rozbluito. something. but, it seems that while everyone else falls in love, i buckle down for another long winter where only goosebumps kiss my flesh.

rain, but no ark

it's been raining for eight days now. a persistant rain, if not a continuous one. while the skies fall tempermentally, one minute an angry downpour flattening everyone and everything, and the next a light mist only barely distinguishable against the windshield, there is a constant gray filter. perhaps it is this filter which (dare i say) dampens my mood. (harhar.) while rains usually bring forth the greenest hues in the grass and leaves, this rain is too late and simply causes the waterlogged plants to droop, exhausted. the fresh scent, the smell of renewal is entirely absent, instead replaced by a sick rotting musty smell, like wet clothes kept in an attic.
appropriately, my mood seems to have a thick film over it. i don't feel too much, and i don't feel too fantastic. right now, i am upset, vaguely angry, and vaguely impatient. my day was just...gray. nothing happened exceptionally interesting. i actually looked at ian in the hallway...and that was all. a look. an empty look, void of any words, a look long numbed of emotion. eyes brushing over the eyes of a stranger, with a vague recognition. noticing the form, but unfamiliar with the sickly white yellow lurking beneath the skin where usually a light pink blooms.
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however, since i am now far from sam and "kat", and am no longer staring blindly out a window at the distorted vision of the world, and can no longer feel the looming presence of the past...surrounded by his girlfriend and his ex...one an equal, the other cowering behind, trying to make herself unknown, to make herself forgotten, cringing away from conversation, and swallowing down tears unbidden.
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today is just another day, as easily forgotten as the one two weeks ago, two months ago, two years ago, two lifetimes ago. an ephemeral reminder that i'm not yet dead.

a girl's best friend.

:D meet my new best friend.

love ridden

mood: desperately needing a bathroom. peaceful. excited about making my wings. (and i keep day dreaming about wearing 'em and putting on makeup, and i feel like such a girlie girl). REALLY needing a bathroom.
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phew.
i'm so excited about my wings. gonna be a raven. 8 foot wingspan with wings that open and close. a black fishnet shirt, over which a black tank top with the words "quoth the raven..." high up on the chest, starting under the arm and sprawling across the chest written in silver sharpie. then, in varying sizes and in cursive "nevermore" in random places. a short black skirt will be coupled with my orange and black striped tights to suggest bird feet, though punked up with the boots. my nails which have been growing out will be painted black with silver streaks. the eyes will be lined and heavily mascaraed so i will look out of the world from heavy thick black eyes and smirk cynically with full blood red lips. mascara will add temporary black "highlights" to hair swept up in two high messy buns.
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i really want sam's love. i just want to be comfy in love with him. i don't want a boyfriend, i don't want a hook up. i want love. which is infinitely harder to come by than the former. i also need to figure out what the heck is going on in my head with ian. i've obviously still got the hots for him, that much i know. but i still have the aftermath of a crush too. his profile (yes. his profile. this is middle school. gimmie a break.) anyway, it says "i think i'm in love...again." except the girl i thought he was in love with left him a comment saying "i'm so glad we got over our fight and we're friends again" so THAT doesn't make sense.
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i'm in love with rockapella. like WOAH. in love. amazing.

what-is-this!?

mood: moody. nostalgic for an old love, sam. lusty for the more recent old love, ian. surprised at how unattracted to girls i am at the moment. desiring cuddling and physical touch to remind me i'm here.
today: alright. sat's this morning. not cool at all. but the band comp was fun. i liked being close to joe, i like being close in general. i liked how ian kept calling my name ("cuz you know i'd be proud...if you'd call my name out loud...") and then touching me...poking me with a drumstick, nudging me with his drum, the sort. then had a long talk with sam. and i haven't decided how that went. i miss him. a lot. like, a lot. i don't really want to. but then, i touched his palms and it took all my control in the world to not lace my fingers in his and watch my tiny hands get swallowed in him. i miss him, the safety i feel around him, the love he exudes, his smile, his self. i miss a lot about him, but i'm just getting really good at ignoring how much i miss him. but i don't want to want him because i think that makes me weak. oh, plus, he's dating katie. pardon me, kat. i guess college turns you into someone else.
i think: i am becoming way too self obsessed. i hate it. i keep talking about myself. i need to stop. so i guess that is what this is. me talking about myself. because this way, if anyone reads it, they can turn it off, yet i still keep blurting things out.
i miss: love. my france kids. how happy i was over the summer. cuddling with sarah. lauren. (i feel like i haven't REALLY talked to her in forever. and i miss her.)
oh, btw: the OTHER guy's got a girlfriend..and i don't really care. i like that. i used to be in really deep like with him. i'm not anymore. i don't even have a hint of a crush. i miss him as a friend though, and i don't know how to tell him that, because i never ever see him.
why am i a little down?: crystal kissed sam. not ok. sam has kissed more people than crystal. that's just DIRTY. i wonder..is it possible...he's kissed 'round thirty since we broke up. i've kissed 3. i kissed lauren, i kissed ian (or...he kissed me), and i kissed some french guy, yanne. i'm gonna indulge myself with a sweet fix on the idea that maybe he's being more promiscuous than i am because he's trying to get over me, or convince himself he's over me? i think i'm as over him as i'll ever get..and my dearth of love/lusts suggests my penchant for relationships, not hookups. i'm really not into hookups at all. i can't help but stare at ian in band though. he just exudes sex. i mean, something about him. something about that curve in his back, or the way when he plays quints, you can't help but notice that the drums rest on his pelvis, and in order to distribute the weight off his shoulders, he lets his pelvis take a lot of that weight. and how his wrists are so lax, and how his fingers never stop moving (nor his eyes), and how he actively touches, how he reaches out to poke me, to smack my bum, to point out he can see my underwear by touching the elastic of it...
random: my ears itch. i hate that.
sounds: the keyboard, the creak of my chair, "nightmare before christmas" rolling around in my head.
note to self: read the poemprosody 101.
now: sleep.